i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
