Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
