who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
