Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
