you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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