I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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