Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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