where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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