Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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