3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
