Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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