ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
