Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
