I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
