If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
