The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
