Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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