so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.