so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels