i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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