i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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