I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
