My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
