He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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