whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
