He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
