I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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