if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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