I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
