is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
