It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
