i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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