A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
