I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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