some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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