I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
