Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
