I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
