I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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