I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
