Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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