I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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