Texts From Last Night

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now

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  (586): I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now http://tfl.nu/yx20
  Replies (1) Good night (1733) Bad night (763)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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  (312): My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger. http://tfl.nu/m23s
  Replies (10) Good night (931) Bad night (4920)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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  (250): i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl http://tfl.nu/d9d2
  Replies (3) Good night (952) Bad night (2503)
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  (916): View more from California

  Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash

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  (916): Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash http://tfl.nu/rtwe
  Replies (9) Good night (2425) Bad night (745)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.

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  (423): take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/qdcc
  Replies (20) Good night (2365) Bad night (1088)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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  (480): you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future... http://tfl.nu/18be
  Replies (5) Good night (1815) Bad night (1312)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.

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  (816): I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey. http://tfl.nu/ef3v
  Replies (3) Good night (1725) Bad night (636)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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  (270): My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50" http://tfl.nu/q36v
  Replies (11) Good night (1961) Bad night (648)
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  (619): View more from California

  He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.

  (760): View more from California

  Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.

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  (619): He is just a personification of a vodka hangover. (760): Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes. http://tfl.nu/e8aw
  Replies (1) Good night (1160) Bad night (625)
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  (428): View more from

  Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.

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  (428): Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale. http://tfl.nu/liut
  Replies (2) Good night (630) Bad night (378)
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  (760): View more from California

  I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.

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  (760): I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays. http://tfl.nu/jyu4
  Replies (4) Good night (814) Bad night (452)
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"

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  (251): you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss" http://tfl.nu/0f55
  Replies (1) Good night (593) Bad night (555)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

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  (614): We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one. http://tfl.nu/44vo
  Replies (1) Good night (728) Bad night (245)
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  (415): View more from California

  In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...

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  (415): In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day... http://tfl.nu/89pv
  Replies (0) Good night (245) Bad night (170)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.

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  (+44): my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far. http://tfl.nu/c7mw
  Replies (2) Good night (409) Bad night (146)

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