im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Someone signed my nipple.
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