I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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