we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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