I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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