Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
