Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
