note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i am craving dick and cupcakes
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
