I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
