I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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