my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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