I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
