i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
