i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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