I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
