bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
