Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I want to fling myself into the sun
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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