The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
