How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
