I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
