Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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