Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
