I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
